I haven’t been blogging as I have been consumed with my own mental breakdown. Skud headed off on his own without even the slightest hint of apprehension. Though he does seem to “coddle” me when he comes home. He hugs me more and longer, but he also hugs me as if I made out of paper mache as if he grabs me too tightly I will break. (It pisses me off) I have lived through worse, more than once, how can he not know this about me?
I am so much stronger than he gives me credit for. It has been the ongoing dialogue of OUR lifetime. As Skud’s and my lifetime intersected before anyone else in the household. Skud was the reason I left college.
Yes, I am one of those tragic girls that you have no doubt talked about in small circles under your breath. One of those girls that tried to no avail “trap” her unwilling victim into submission. Everyone who knew the two of us always asks this question, so I will give you my side of the answer. His side will be different of course, and it should be, he has his own mind.
When I was fifteen years old I was told I would never have children. (yes, and I believed these gods of medical science in all their wisdom.) I spent a lot of my youth in Dr.’s stirrups under going test why I had so many cysts on my ovaries. I never had regular “monthlies” and I truly believed I could not get pregnant. In fact, my mother talked my Dr. out of removing my ovaries at fifteen as they did nothing but cause me pain and increased her medical payments.
So here I was in college…untouchable, or so I thought. Years of practice, not so much as a scare. And the other half of this scenario, I NEVER WANTED TO HAVE CHILDREN! I was supposed to be on the Tonight Show, snorting coke with Johny Carson, that was what I was meant to do. I didn’t know how or what would get me there, I just had this unbridled belief that I was special and meant to do great things.
And in this head space, I found a very articulate creative guy. One that was palpably talented and not someone I would normally have been drawn to. I was always into basketball players; very tall, very thin men. And I let this guys treat me like sh*t. I settled for a guy (who had a girlfriend back home) that told me:
“I wish my girlfriend was as smart as you…I wish she was as pretty & funny…but I will always go back to her.”
And he did.
This is where my meltdown is coming from. I gave up everything for the child I never wanted. Let those who want to judge me for “trapping” this guy judge, I am okay with that too. I have very broad shoulders (as I may not have that second x chromosome remember?) But I never trapped or took one thing from this guy, not one dime in child support, not one semester tuition money, nothing. He never made one sacrifice. I gave up everything, or so I thought.
In the end it turns out HE gave up everything. Because 19 years later, I have this incredible son, who loves me. Skud was more of a kindred spirit than a son. Skud is the same ungovernable mess that I was. So of course I don’t want to stop this journey, I only want to be along on the ride. But I can’t do that either.
What I meant to say is SKUD is one of the special things I was meant to do. One of three. I can see that now. I just have to see it from a little farther away I guess.
So I have spent the last two weeks in my room hiding from the reality of what has transpired and lost myself in vampire novels to distract myself. I have found an opening for the 5th book if Stepenie Meyer needs any help…I will have quite a bit of free time.