Do I have toilet paper stuck to my shoe?

Obviously I do. I am always the embarrassing point of the evening, it is the part that defines me.

I was talking to The Orbitz Lady on the phone last night. The Orbitz Lady is my very cool sister-in-law, she is an artist. She was also awarded at birth the talent I search for every day in my life. I am okay with that. I will work for it, I don’t mind the lessons that inevitably come along the way.

We were discussing who is the goofier of the two of us. To prove her point The Orbitz Lady told this story. Keep in mind, The Orbitz Lady lives in middle America Bible Belt and wears hemp; so not always the most accepted lady in town. She often receives stares and judgement when she gardens instead of attending the morning scripture sessions.

The Orbitz Lady went to buy gas several days before payday. It was one of those days where you dig for the quarters in the sofa to get two gallons of gas. Yes, she paid in change. The Orbitz Lady received a very strange stare from the store clerk. The Orbitz Lady tried to make pleasantries that were not returned. The store clerk was literally so rude she had The Orbitz Lady doubting her ability to count change correctly. Finally The Orbitz Lady left hopped back in her truck and looked in the rear-view mirror and realized she had been walking around with tape stuck to her face.

Not to be out done, I told the following story.

I never had brand name clothing growing up. In fact I was the youngest and only girl. I remember wearing my brothers hand-me-downs growing up. When it finally came the time of my life where I got to pick new clothes it was an experience. Guru Annie, her sister and I went away one weekend to compete in a church event. After the event we got to go to the mall. Something our home town is STILL severely lacking. Anyway, imagine mid eighties, mall, estrogen…. well I came home with the coolest WHAM! Choose Life sweatshirt.
Here’s the rub, when coming home from these outings we always got home late Sunday night and had school the next day. I of course wanted to wear my very cool new sweatshirt, but I pulled it out of my suitcase Monday morning and it was very wrinkly. I decided to throw it in the dryer while I got ready and let the heat of the dryer do my ironing for me.

It was a bright sunny spring day, no jacket required. And I felt great. My head held high as I floated to school in that new sweatshirt. AND I know I looked great in it, people noticed… ’cause the cars kept honking at me as they drove by. I smiled and waved.

And such is the way with my life the moment I stepped onto campus I knew something was wrong. I had flown too close to the sun, my wings melted and I was sure I wasn’t cool. I could not tell you what it was but something was definitely wrong. I looked down, I was wearing shoes, had my school books, check my button fly all seemed right. Then I thought my sweatshirt feels a little heavy in back. I must not have pulled it down all the way.
I reached my hand to touch the back of the sweatshirt and realized I had walked all that way, with cars honking and waving with underwear static clinged to my back –at least it was clean underwear.

Beat that Orbitz Lady.

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