Actually you need to know this story before you know the next story. There is nothing Loving husband Raynard would not do for me. And because of this Raynard is easily led. Many years ago prior to the time my parents moved away and orphaned me in Nowhere, WY; our anniversary was coming. My parents always kept the kids so we could get away. My parents were preparing to orphan me, because of this and because they were looking to bolt at anytime there was some trepidation regarding the no kids anniversary evening. We had double checked, my mother was on board with taking the kids.
My mother called my husband in a panic, to let him know she was sorry that she forgot about our special evening, there was a bottle of wine and flowers on her kitchen table for him to pick up, if he would just bring the kids over. Loving husband Raynard showed up at my office disheveled, with flowers, no kids and announcing HE HAD NOT FORGOTTEN OUR ANNIVERSARY. And of course he had not, since it was not until that same day, next month.
–like I said, he is easily led.
It was a glorious morning.
The kind of morning where your kids let you sleep in and when you wake up with your guy, your soul mate, the man you are tethered to for all of eternity is there snuggled tight against you. “Happy 15 years baby.” It made me smile.
Loving husband Raynard was “happy” if ya know what I am saying (wink, wink). It was 15 years and all. He should be happy in the morning. The next part gets XXX rated, and ya’ll have imaginations so, go big. We will skip over that part until we get to Loving husband Raynard’s guttural noise, which I thought meant it’s over…. and in a way it did; just not how I expected.
I looked up to see Loving husband Raynard bleeding profusely.
“What the f&$K? Nosebleed? Who does that?”
Raynard ran to the bathroom.
I went to my tub. At least I should get one tiara moment after 15 YEARS and all.
So when I came up from the tub primed and neatly shaven I expected Raynard to call out, “Game ON!”
Not see him sitting where I left him, still bleeding.
He bled some more.
We went to WebMD dot com.
We did all the tricks. He was still bleeding. The final sentence said if you cannot get the nosebleed to stop within 1 hour you should seek medical treatment.
It had been three.
We decided it would be in Raynard’s best interest to stop the blood loss. Also mine, as we have not yet up’d his life insurance to a place I am comfortable with him leaving. And as he was dressing to go to the ER –yes I am married to a man that won’t go to the ER in sweats… the D&D Nerd said “happy anniversary mom.”
As we sat there waiting for loving husband Raynard to be ready for the ER triage, D&D Nerd started asking me questions about the wedding. That is when I told him, “Nerd, you were so funny. You had found a toy at the back of the church and you didn’t want to carry your pillow down the aisle. So, we let you carry the moo-ing farm down the aisle and as you took off someone shoved your ring bearer pillow on top of the toy. You were three, it was so cute. We have a picture…..”
WAIT, YOU WERE THREE, YOU ARE NOW 17. THE MATH DON’T ADD UP.
“Loving Husband Raynard!!!! It has not been 15 YEARS!”
“What?” he said pressing the good towels up against his nose.
“D&D Nerd was three walking down the aisle… he is 17 now, if any anniversary deserves a DO-OVER it is this one, we have only been married 14 years!”
We drove to the emergency room, in somewhat silence. Knowing we had alienated surrogate gay husband on Friday, left Stinky Pete in public on Saturday and done the math wrong for the last 3 months on Sunday. Curiously enough there was not a line for triage.
We walked in and were seen right away, the nurse looked at Raynard bleeding and then at me, “Did you punch him?”
“It’s our anniversary.”
“Did he forget?”
“Only which one…”
The very efficient ER Nurse surmised he had a bloody nose and sent us to check in. The admitting clerk was the lady that set us up for the worst honeymoon known to man, “Did she hit you?”
“It’s our anniversary,” Raynard said.
“Did you forget?”
We got moved right back into the little ER Room. It was very little. Enough room for the blood and my big ass and that is about it. We sat there for another hour.
The DR came in. “Did she hit you?”
“Why does everyone keep asking that?” I said.
“It’s our anniversary.” He said.
“Did you forget?”
“Only which one…” we said in unison.
“I don’t think that bodes well for the post trauma investigation.”
So we sat for two more hours. The infinite wisdom of medical science fixed his nose. My Hero, happened to be working that day. He stopped in to say hello, draw a picture of his family wreath… yes you heard me… a tree branches, wreaths go in circles…. and they sent me home with Raynard, after all their suspicions, they released him to me.
He took a nap.
I internalized everything and ate.
At the end of the day, we still loved each other and were thankful for the FOURTEEN years we had been given.
On the way home Raynard said “You shouldn’t tell anyone about this…”
“Any of it…”
“Raynard, after 14 years, who would I tell?”