As I sit here tonight making artisan bread for Loving Husband Raynard to give away to his peers, I have been thinking about the small life I lead. I finally got through the semester that almost killed me, I turned in both my final assignments this week and I am done with this semester of college. There is nothing left to do ‘cept sacrifice a puppy to increase my grades. I am at a precipice, considering not going back for another semester.
That being said, I feel both remorse and relief. School’s out, it was effin hard after 20+ years to get back into a groove. Honestly, I never really found my school groove, not even back then. I got close enough to smell it this semester… but honestly it smells like nonoxynol-9 and acne cream, and I am not sure I am cut out for this “college” stuff.
So, as I sit, ponder, bake and drink a glass of wine… I think about all the stories I should have written this last semester. They are old by now and only snippets remain of the stories they once were, the rest has been erased by wine.
My D&D Nerd, Squints, went to Vegas over the summer. He got an education I didn’t guess he would know for years. The best part is he texted me that he saw Mick Jagger walking down the street in Vegas. But because Squint’s is only 18 and has not listened to most of what I have said about music and art during his lifetime the text came through like:
“I saw McJagger.”
–as if he had seen a McNugget– that may have been more appealing to him; the thought of Ronald and his McNugget’s walking the streets in Vegas. It would have been the trifecta if Mayor McCheese had been trailing behind like Obama’s secret service.
I got caught by the Lebanese buying tampons. (bowing my head in secret shame) If you have been here since the beginning you will know that what I am known for is: Magic Bullets and Diva Cups. My Lebanese girlfriends caught me walking out of a store, with tampons in hand and then broke my jelly (that is not a euphemism.) After I researched more about the diva cups, and the measuring and if you have had kids up it a size, but I didn’t have kids “that” way… and I didn’t carry the one. Well, I lost interest, but my New Year’s resolution will be to buy that cup, and since there are only two sizes I will go big.
My BFF Cal told me her life had become more complicated and tiring since she met me. She does not believe it to be my fault entirely; it is just something she had randomly noticed.
As I was being introduced to my co-host of an event I was emceeing it was stated, “You should see pictures of her and Cameron as Sonny and Cher.”
I said, “My surrogate gay husband and I have performed a couple times, people seem to like us.” and I showed this gentleman a picture to which he said….
“YOUR HUBAND IS GAY? By the way he has great legs.”
“NO! I have a real husband, with a mortgage, kids, rings and dog. Raynard, my real husband is an introvert. He would be happy only to leave the house to stockpile weapons and scout out ‘hole up’ spots for the Zombie Apocalypse. Then I have a surrogate GAY husband, he’s a drag queen and very pretty, changed my life, getting a gay husband.”
“What does your REAL HUSBAND think of him?”
“He loves my surrogate gay, saved his marriage. He is my date in public and Raynard never has to worry about him hitting on me.”
My co-host looked at me with amazement and said, “I think you have the start of a sit-com, not enough for a full season but at least four episodes.”
I reread some old me, and realized people see me as totally different than what I am; and may be confused by my personal life. I am not Lebanese, not even for Paula Poundstone; but I play one on TV (and karaoke nights at the bar). Because of statements like that I think there has been some puzzlement of my personal life, so I will go over the Cast of Characters:
Loving Husband Raynard: real husband, introvert, man who helps me raise my children, budgets wine and loves me anyway.
BFF Cal: My BFF who encourages me to succeed and be a better person, and loves me anyway.
Surrogate Gay Husband: not my real husband, date in public, boy that is prettier than me, we do not have babies or mortgage together, and loves me anyway.
College Boy/Blue Haired Boy/Skud: oldest son
D&D Nerd/Squints: middle son
Stinky Pete: the child that still believes there is hope for me as a mother
Guru Annie: inspiration and calm ear in crisis, and loves me anyway.
Onion Girl: brilliant lady and our fathers were BFF, we have a new found admiration for each other with our aged wisdom.
Trixie: first true fan, lady on speed dial with the right words always, grammar coach and confidant
My Hero: Guy I made out with in HS that now everyone wants to date and texts me to see what he’s up to. Oh, he also runs marathons with Guru Annie.
Jake Green: First Spotlight Blogger and date from my junior prom.