I have been a little outta touch, let me bring you back.

I was reading in the shopping market tabloids,

internet,

critically acclaimed news source; that to maintain a successful blog you must:

Write.

#duh

I haven’t been doing that.

This blog hero/writer/he-man said I should publish consistently.

#DUH

The tip I remember and am going to try to adhere to, try to publish on the same day of the week, so my peeps would know to look.

UMMM……… ok, that one made sense, and I can shoot for that.

I so want to tell you, my two listeners nothing has been funny for awhile now.

I will try to publish once a week, twice a month, on Thursday.  We will try to get some consistency going again.  That will be nice, won’t it?

What you wouldn’t know is on top of the D&D Nerd being diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, Skudro Bodine moved back into the household.

My grandmother used to say, “I love all of my children/grandchildren.  I wouldn’t pay $1.00 for one of them, and I wouldn’t take a million.” Yeah that statement makes a lot more sense to me as a mother than it did as a grandchild.  But also, I would be very tempted by the million dollars.  If we could get some earnest money on the table, I would be willing to negotiate that million.

#justsaying

But I think I may be taking for granted the very good things I have been blessed with, so I found a couple bright spots  –which are different from age spots

–and liver spots

To share with you.

Quick Thought # 1:  I told you recently that I performed a SNL skit, with a bunch of my nearest and dearest for charity.  The skit was off color innuendo about oral sex, beautifully written by brilliant minds.   What I didn’t know at the time I originally wrote the story, but have since learned; someone in the audience was so incensed by our vulgarity, they chose to write a letter to the editor asking this charity to start screening the acts that perform.  I have been asked a number of times in public, if I was in the “offensive” act.

“Did you expect anything less?” is my standard reply.

Over the weekend I got a text from an unknown number that said, “Were you the act that was so offensive they are writing letters to the editor?”

ME: Who is this? And yes.

Unknown Texter:  HAHA! It’s Kimberly. (Like that narrows it down for me.) That is so funny.  LOL!  I wish I could have been there.

Now I am afraid to ask Kimberly who?   Who has my personal cell? Also, there is a Kimberly on the board of Community Theatre, and I assumed I was talking to her.

ME: What you should know is the very offended letter writer had it wrong.  He stated we were talking about backsides and anuses.  We were talking about oral sex.  Please say a prayer for his very underappreciated wife.

Unknown Texter:  LOL! She is in my prayers.  That is so funny.

ME: Also, you should know that he spoke about children being present.  Those children were our stage hands, and their mother had full knowledge of what we were discussing.

Unknown Texter:  LOL!

ME: Finally, here is the website you can view our little skit, which was originally piped into millions of homes across our great nation back in Dec. 2005.  It starred Christopher Walken and was approved by the FCC.  Not one dirty word was uttered.  For me, that is unusual.

Unknown Texter:  That is awesome, I love it.

I went into work on Monday and had to return some emails to different folks, one of them being Kimberly from community theatre.  I said something sarcastic about the conversation that had taken place the day before via text.

Apparently I know more than one Kimberly.

Quick Thought # 2:Raynard and I were looking at our very dilapidated fence and figuring the cost of rebuilding it.  I was looking at a flyer from a warehouse do-it-yourself store and wondering what is the true cost of a new fence.  And then I saw this BEAUTIFUL fence advertised in the paper.  It was like the heavens had opened, and shone directly on that Sunday flyer, I heard angels sing.  This was the Sadie fence.  It screamed privacy, low maintenance and looked like a beautiful rock wall.  Oh how I wanted the fence. It was sold in 71 & ½ inch sections, so I just needed to figure out how long my fence is.

I didn’t look up from the flyer as I asked Raynard, “How long is 71 & ½ inches?” It was a rhetorical question.  I went to the hall closet to grab my tape measure and found my Loving Husband Raynard in front of the closet, with the door wide open unbuckling his pants.

“What the F#ck are you doing?”  (keep in mind this closet is directly across from the bathroom, I really thought he was confused.)

“I am showing you 71 & ½ inches.”

Know this, I can’t afford that fence.

Quick Though #3: Big anniversary One-Five is REALLY coming up this year, I did the math and I am sure.  I found the gift I want.  I started out by Googling Blogging conferences.  I just want to be good at this, talking to you.  I won’t ever be on Oprah’s couch, jumping up and down; that is okay.  I want this little world we have created to be great.  Blogging conferences are more about being published, writing the great American novel, or next the Modern Family episode.

So I googled creative writing classes, I can get an online degree in that.

Then I thought comedy writing, let’s focus and tighten my voice.  And what would pop up but a site of a standup comic that would let me take the extreme comedy tour.  I could pay money to take my own material on the road, perform on stage, hang out with him and his buddies in creepy hotel rooms all weekend, get the DVD of my performance and the comic’s notes on me.

I WAS SO IN!

I just needed to email this guy and see where to meet up. My email went like this (I only wish I was exaggerating):

I just came across this and is this for real?  Or just some clever ruse to get housewives from Wyoming out into the Democratic world of sin?  Where do you perform?  Do you come anywhere close to Wyoming and really for $X money you will coach me and give me time onstage?

I really would like to hear more about this.

Please send details.  The internet works in Wyoming, it just takes three days for delivery; like the old mail used to.

Thanks.

My surrogate gay husband came over last night, and we laughed and planned for our weekend on the road with REAL COMICS.  Raynard would never go, and never let me go on something so dangerous.  But I was sure he would be okay with the surrogate gay husband taking me across the US to perform on stage and drink with comedians.  Even if he wasn’t, I have a credit card that he and Dave Ramsey know nothing about.  I was going.  Surrogate Gay and I giggled how he was probably a serial killer, and I would get to pay him for the privilege of ending my floundering writing career. He guaranteed to return all emails in 24 hours.  When I checked this morning, the email response said:

I’m in Michigan.  I only take on comedy students in the Midwest.  Best of luck though.

I asked Raynard, “Wyoming is still mid-west right?”

“Yep. Why?”

“Just checking.”

I sent text to surrogate gay, “Serial Killer Comic turned me down.  Guess we will be here this summer.”

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