I have bad hair. I always have. It is thin, and I have male pattern baldness -thanks Dad.
To understand this whole story you need to know over the past couple years I have been asked to help host several Red Carpet events in Nowhere, WY for charities and local non-profits. This is not a brag. This is me simply telling you when people think, “Who could we get to stand on a stage, in front of a microphone and let people laugh at her (and then talk behind her back) for no charge?” my name usually comes up.
My favorite story from last year’s event was a last minute change in the lineup. My co-host had to bow out with 1 day notice and we had a Pinch Hitter. A very nice man, who, was not all that comfortable on stage; Pinch Hitter and I had a bet going backstage to see if I could make it through a whole two hour event without saying the “F” word. Odds were not in my favor.
The show was scripted, down to Teleprompters, which I had never worked with before. As the award winner was announced Pinch Hitter and I stepped back on stage to find the Teleprompters out. Pinch Hitter panicked. He looked at me frozen with terror and mouthed the Teleprompter is out. I looked at him and said:
Me: Pinch Hitter, would you like to hear a joke? (Why I asked this question I have NO IDEA! I have long said I don’t tell jokes, I only forward them.)
Me: What word begins with F and ends with UCK?
And I shit you not, Pinch Hitter looked out into the crowed and yelled, “The Teleprompters are out! This is not in the script! I don’t know why she is saying that!”
Thank GAWD Papa Bear screamed FIRETRUCK from the back of the room, which was exactly the right answer and the Teleprompters magically appeared again.
Because of events like this, my Fabulous Gay Hairdresser has been encouraging me to grow my hair out, so we have more possibilities during Red Carpet events, BUT because of events like this no one will ever ask me to host again. So the point is kind of moot.
Plus, the new color is fire red, with black all around the edges. I look like one of Disney’s evil queens. Even BFF Cal gave me the intervention, “are we still in favor of the long hair? It has been awhile since I saw you with short hair. I really liked the short hair.”
That point was solidified when I pulled up to my home, to fetch my cell phone I had left over the lunch hour. As I parked my car I noticed my neighbor was staring at me intensely, so I waved. And as I got out of the car she started to interrogate me, and right in the middle her tone changed.
“Oh, I have been wanting to talk to you. Your hair is getting long, and you changed your hair color. I was just telling my husband the other day that I needed to talk to you, because your husband has been seeing some lady with really dark hair and a dark car. My daughter kept saying that it was you but I did not believe her. She kept saying, ‘Mom, she bought a new car, she changed her hair color…’ I kept telling my husband you two have been married a long time. I can’t believe he is running around on you like that!
So –you look really different with dark hair.”
Aren’t you supposed to at least follow that comment up with, “It looks good on you.”