My Boyfriend’s back…

RAY-NARD RAY-NARD my boyfriend's back!

RAY-NARD RAY-NARD my boyfriend’s back!

He’s gonna ruin my reputation.

Melancholy Squeak!

And really, at this point I don’t have much of a reputation to salvage.  Ruin away!

My Surrogate Gay Husband (SGH) is back in town, just for the moment.  He won’t be staying.  So, while I have him, I must make my memories now.

My SGH is bad for me.  He makes me get out of my Raynard’s comfort zone.  I do things I normally would judge other people for doing.

Oh, silly old woman, what are you thinking?  Someone could be posting this to ‘the YouTube’ right now.  Your next parent teacher conference, you might be #trending, right as you walk up to the table, Stinky Pete’s younger, hipper teachers could be passing around a filmography of your latest outing.

I can see it in my head.

My SGH is good for me.  He makes me get into my Sadie zone.  I do things I normally wouldn’t do.  I leave the house.  I sing in public. I DO STUFF, is the real point.  SGH is so hard to resist, being out in public with a man this beautiful can be overwhelming.  There is power in it.  I swear… unicorns follow us down the street when we walk together; you can always tell if you are walking into a party after us… there is a trail of glitter.  Just saying.

I received an ominous text from the SGH saying, “Dibs! Saturday night you’re mine. Tell your real husband to suck it up.”  Just those words should have been foreboding enough, I should have known.  I should have gotten a fake ID… and I am 40+.  I should have put my attorney on retainer.

SGH and I *LOVE* to karaoke.  He is great at karaoke, and beautiful.  I provide the much needed social commentary on why we institutionalize the elderly in America.  Inevitably, when we are out in public together, someone will come to me, and try to excuse THEIR behavior to ME; give me quick reassurance that they are not trying to steal my man.

As many times as I have been through this, I never know how to react.

SGH and I have been assumed to be:

  1. Boyfriend/girlfriend
  2. Husband/wife
  3. Mother/Son
  4. Sisters
  5. Brothers
  6. Lesbian Couple

I ended up in the ER for big Anniversary weekend. part IIIPeople usually know we aren’t two dudes, because he is so pretty.

Just saying.

So when the very inebriated woman came to me to say, “I swear, I am not trying to pick up your boyfriend” I laughed.  And she said, “No really.”  Wanting to reassure me, her intentions were pure.

I just looked at her and said, “Good luck, he is gay.”

“No he is not.”

I find it both amusing and offensive that everyone comes at me from the politically correct perspective that assumes he is straight… until he proves otherwise. “Why do you assume he is straight?”

“He is not gay! You are together!”

SGH: “Nope, big ole gay.  Right here.” He said, pointing to himself.

And then she sat down and had a conversation with my SGH, I went to pee.  The details matter very little.   We have this conversation a lot, where people act surprised, that my very beautiful friend is gay.  Frankly, it bores me.  What happened next, well, that is a new story for me.

I came back from the ladies room, may or may not have danced by myself, but sat back down and our new friend sat square in my lap and stated, “I want you to make me a lesbian tonight.”

OK, I am gay friendly.  I fly the rainbow flag.  I am okay with your orientation.

I have told you, I get recognized for being a lesbian, a lot.  I have even signed autographs as Rachel Maddow. I wear comfortable shoes.  Guess what?  The underwear matches the shoes.  It is always comfortable.

But make you a lesbian?  I honestly didn’t know I had that power.  I perked up a bit. (with great power comes great responsibility  –Uncle Ben).

“There is a form you need to fill out, so I can get a new toaster for the conversion.  Plus, I didn’t bring my wand tonight.” I said, with a very straight face.

I am not sure where the conversation ended, I am sorry to say, I don’t know if you know this… but I had been drinking.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw our friend, Hannah almost in Montana in a very intense conversation with a man.  I meant to help.  So I crossed a room, and kissed her. It was my first girl on girl kiss, and may I say… *sigh* she had the sweetest, softest lips ever.

When we got back to the table she looked at me and said, “Why did you save me from the gay guy?”

“I didn’t know he was gay, but I was trying to help.”

That was about the time our new friend put her tongue down my throat and asked the room if they would like to see her shaved taco.

SGH took me home for Raynard to deal with.  Life went on.  We are still all of same orientation we left the house in that night.    But know two things:

  • I kissed a girl and I liked it. Yeah, thanks Katie Perry.
  • The Taco Lady has been stalking my SGH at work, she always asks where his lesbian friend is. She doesn’t even flinch when he says, “at home, with her husband.”

4 thoughts on “My Boyfriend’s back…

  1. The Taco Lady…bwahahaha! Oh, man, I hope I get the chance to hang out with you guys sometime. Although I gotta tell ya, if a man or woman tries to shove their tongue down my throat against my will, they’re going to get my fist in their face. You handled it better than I would have. Nice to see you back writing! I missed you.

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